’ I’m surprised how many people – both women and men – write to me because they’re worried that they ‘ought’ to date someone they’re not attracted to, and to insist on attraction would be superficial and un Godly.Certainly, the Bible tells us that God looks not at outward appearances, but at the heart.For example, I recently sent the Boundless article “” to one of my single guy friends.
We are to take every thought, every area of our lives captive to the word of God.
Thankfully, "attraction" does play a role in finding a husband or wife. Biblically, however, attraction as the world understands it cannot be the foundation on which a godly marriage is built.
What if all of these godly principles that should be found in a potential spouse are there, but there’s not that inherent, almost primal, “zing-pow” feeling?
I cannot marry a woman who I am not very, very, physically attracted to or else the intimacy will fade later in life.
These are all preferences that are taken into consideration (by both sexes) when choosing a spouse. Every marriage moves beyond the new-love, high-octane phase eventually, according to Psychologist Dorothy Tennov.
Likewise—I understand I didn’t just step out of a GQ magazine, so I’ve got my limitations and an uphill battle as to attracting a girl with the utmost “zing-pow” effect. What if all of those godly traits are there, but nothing “jumps”? There has got to be chemistry and a mutual, eros love of sexual attraction (which is much more than just physical attraction) that will keep that intimate part of a marriage thriving and healthy for many, many, many years. Find a gorgeous woman (or man), marry her (or him), and live happily ever after. But movies always end before the fireworks (what your friend calls “zing-pop”) die down. The longest it can last is three years, and often it’s less.
"Single Christian male (SCM) seeks single Christian female (SCF) to love as Christ loved the church, to give himself up for her to make her holy, to love as he loves himself (Eph. SCF must be absolute physical knockout (no one scoring below 9.0, please), must love to talk politics and sports, and must possess a laundry list of pre-decided personal characteristics so completely that SCM is convinced no better option could possibly be available within the next decade." "SCF seeks SCM to submit to in everything as to the Lord, to respect, to serve, to follow and to be led by in discipleship and ministry, to trust as spiritual leader of the home, and to serve Christ with for the next several decades or until Jesus comes back.
SCM must possess total confidence (but can't be cocky and must trust SCF's opinion in all things); must be devastatingly handsome but have no idea that he is; must be exquisite interpersonal communicator who enjoys nothing more than long, conversations about the relationship; must understand SCF completely; and must otherwise fit description of how SCF thought 'The One' would be since SCF started thinking about it at age 11." Too harsh? Surveys inquiring about what singles — even professing Christian singles — look for in someone to date or marry, often receive "physically attractive," "sense of humor," "fun-loving personality," even "wealth" as the top answers.
However, none of this means that attraction isn’t important.
Forgive me for putting this bluntly, friends, but marrying someone means vowing to have sex with them regularly for the rest of your life (health and old age allowing).
The world tells us that the way to know whether two people are "right for each other" is to measure the white-hot physical attraction between the two, combined with the idea of "chemistry" on steroids — their ability to effortlessly have day-long conversations anytime about anything, punctuated by the quick, witty exchanges found mostly in edgy independent comedies.